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After a gut-wrenching breakup, one of many greatest questions you is perhaps left with is, Why? Why did they out of the blue lose emotions? Why don’t they need to attempt to work issues out? It might probably really feel such as you want solutions with a purpose to get “closure” — so you possibly can transfer on and be okay once more.

Within the midst of a lot ache, confusion, and disappointment, it’s pure to crave clarification and validation from the particular person accountable for your damaged coronary heart, Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor and the writer of Discovering Love Once more: 6 Easy Steps to a New and Glad Relationship, says. “As human beings, we would like solutions to all of our questions in conditions that don’t make sense,” Dr. Orbuch says. “So, we regularly assume that closure is critical to resolve that curiosity and obsession as soon as and for all.”

Nonetheless, it actually isn’t; you don’t really want one final dialog or an in depth rationalization to heal, and counting on another person for that decision is unhelpful for a number of causes. First, there often isn’t a “proper” or “excellent” reply to a query as sophisticated as, “Why did the connection finish?” Maybe, such as you, your ex isn’t certain when, why, or how every little thing went mistaken, Dr. Orbuch says, or what particularly brought about them to fall out of affection. Bear in mind, breakups are hardly ever simple, so the satisfying response you suppose you “want” to go away the previous behind might not even exist.

However let’s say you’ll be able to get a clear-cut reply like, “I have to give attention to myself!” or “I’ve met another person.” Even then, your heartbreak received’t out of the blue grow to be any simpler to bear, Dr. Orbuch says. “Though lots of people assume that closure will permit them to take care of the breakup higher, it doesn’t allow you to deal with the ache and rejection,” she explains. Utilizing the earlier examples, you’ll nonetheless seemingly really feel insecure, undesirable, and upset after studying that your ex selected to prioritise their very own progress or discover different choices. Merely put, an evidence alone received’t magically heal the emotional wounds of dropping somebody you’re keen on.

Most significantly although, relying on one other particular person to your happiness (and giving them energy over how and if you transfer on) will solely delay your restoration course of, in keeping with Dr. Orbuch. Maybe your ex doesn’t need to speak to you once more, if seeing your face stirs up painful feelings they’d somewhat keep away from. Or possibly they only have little interest in revisiting the previous.

As robust as it’s, nobody (not even a major different you dated for years) is obligated to supply the apology you’re hoping for. And once more, even when they willingly give it, that received’t take your ache away — which is why you’re higher off looking for closure inside your self. “Your notion of why it ended is what’s most vital,” Dr. Orbuch reminds. So somewhat than ready in your ex to tie the connection up in a bow, she suggests analyzing the partnership extra holistically and interested by why, precisely, issues didn’t work out.

“I wouldn’t suggest making a listing of your ex’s faults, as a result of that may result in ruminating and get you caught in a cycle of anger and frustration,” she says. As an alternative, you can begin by reflecting (possibly in a journal) on why you, as a pair, weren’t appropriate. Maybe you had completely reverse communication types (you’re reserved; they’re confrontational) otherwise you wished a number of kids and so they didn’t. Getting clear on the rationale(s) you’re not collectively may help you realise (and settle for) that you just won’t have been one another’s excellent match in any case, Dr. Orbuch says.

In fact, dealing with this actuality isn’t straightforward. It’ll in all probability take lots of time, self-reflection, and tears to totally course of a nasty breakup. However finally, the one one who can provide that comforting, peaceable sense of closure you’re on the lookout for is you.

This text initially appeared on SELF.